I've always felt the need to push my creativity in all sorts of directions. Staying "consistent" always felt boring to me. I love trying new things and experimenting.
That's the beauty of growth in my opinion - seeing what works and what doesn't work but enjoying the process. I used to be afraid of growth as my artistry grew. I thought I always needed to be perfect. I needed to please my peers. I needed to get strangers to accept me. I needed to get better at music. I needed to be the best in my eyes. To outdo what's been done. To achieve this and that. To feel validated. Whatever the fuck that means.
I shouted these things at 19. I'm now 27 years old as of this current blog post.
Things have changed so much in my mindset. I've read so many books. Felt pain. Felt sadness. Loneliness. Depression. All sorts of horrible shit. I normally don't share these things with my closest friends because these people around me struggle with their own emotions.
After so many years of failure and success, i've learned that this is a cosmic loop i'm experiencing at this moment. I'm slowly starting to accept everything coming my way while taking it for what it is. What I mean by that is... i'm enjoying my current life and becoming appreciative of what I have. Everything that's happening right now in my life is meant to happen. Whether I accept it or not.
Acceptance is very hard to realize within yourself. Many people LOVE to lie to themselves in order to create this false reality around them. I'm starting to see that life is what it will be because that's what it is. A book where you're the main character evolving in your own unique experience. Perhaps these aspirations of mine were something that gave me the courage to keep moving forward in life.
But there are things i'm SO fearful of as I approach my 30s.
Donald Glover wrote this in 2013. This spoke to me on so many levels back then. It still does now almost a decade later. I am uncertain of my future despite my joy creating new songs every week for you. I'm fearful I won't reach my own potential. I don't know if my sacrifices will carry me onto the future i've wanted my whole life - To be one of the biggest artists in the world. I just don't know anymore.
But... something inside me keeps telling me to keep moving. Things will getter in time. I just have to enjoy the present for what it is... and learn to accept whatever God has in store for me from 2020 and beyond. So i've come to peace with that sentiment. I'm ready.